writing

A Letter To You

Sitting here thinking about my life the past 5 years. I’ve met so many people, seen so many places and changed in so many ways.

My heart hurts saying goodbye to it all. I know it’s a “see you later” for friends who have become family, but I’ve never been good with change or goodbyes. I’ve never been easy to deal with or to love. I’m so thankful for the tribe I’ve made throughout the states we’ve moved to the past few years. Even though I’ve never thought I belonged, you made me feel like I did.

I wanted to go to my home. Some made up place or state in my head that was apparently somewhere I was happier or would be happy “finally”. I now know it will never be four walls. It’ll be four people or six people or eight people building me up and teaching me to love every piece of life and my body and everything the world has to offer.

I never loved Maine or New England but I love every single member of my tribe who kept me afloat when I was busy fighting myself.

Last but not least, thank you to my amazing husband who wings never falter, not even once. You keep and have kept me up when I didn’t know how to pick myself up time and time again even when sometimes I didn’t deserve it. Thanks for teaching me every inch of my body is perfect in its own way and that sometimes its okay to not be okay.

Next Chapter

I’ve been trying for weeks to come up with something better than the last and better than what’s flying around in my mind. I have had so much go on here lately. I drove to Charleston SC and found a home to buy with such a amazing realtor who happens to be one of my best friends. She has a Facebook page where she live videos and chats about her life and opening up about mental illness and how you can live your best life with it! Go check her out at her Facebook Holly_tastic page. I’ve loved seeing her actually open up! It’s a great watch! Love her to pieces! I can’t imagine this next chapter that is opening in my life going any other way with my little family as well!

Also I want to start doing a few more things with A Hint of Koko! Thinking of Vlogging once a month with you guys on my YouTube channel and also integrating my new olive oil vegan based soap line!

So many exciting things happening around here. Please let us know if you’re interested and also maybe throw some comments of scents you want me to incorporate into my new soap line! Much love guys!

XOXO

Rough Bumps

Decided to write a post about rough bumps in the road today.
After all, I do live in New England currently. (insert pothole here)

I’ve been trying to get better at processing my bad days and my good days. Lately its been a little difficult to do even that. Nobody genuinely talks about the shitty parts of depression and anxiety. Two huge things that have continued to ransack my days here lately. One positive thing is I am now able to realize which is which between just a bad day and me relapsing.

Seasonal depression has been a factor of my life for quite a while. I know once I post this, I will have the comments of, “Well you don’t look sad.”
Things like this do not help, nor are they anywhere near helpful. It only makes me more upset and anxious about explaining how I feel.

With all of that said, I have had very good times as well lately. Ollie is finally healing, he had a surgery done and wasn’t healing properly and had to have a second surgery. Which means my house has been super chaotic. This all leading to rough bumps in the road. I have my days as anybody with anxiety will know happens and I can’t begin to explain how difficult it is to deal with somebody like me. Marlon has been making this look like a cake walk. I only wish to have half the perseverance he has. Anybody with a spouse who has a mental disorder will understand this post. This past weekend we did a lot to help our move in 5 months be a little easier and it stirred up a lot of anxiety. I couldn’t sleep last night and instead of laying in bed he stayed up with me just knowing the fact that I just wasn’t feeling that great. For all these bumps in the road you sometimes forget the good things, or even the great things that are to come. I decided to write this post to show maybe somebody else that everybody has bumps in the road. Its up to you to decide whether they’re just bumps. I hope this reaches the people it was meant to, and as always.

xoxo

 

he who feels all my emotions

I normally don’t do entries like this one, but this week I came home from a vacation from Florida with my husband and I am more emotional than usual. It had been about two or three years since Marlon and I had been to Florida and not had something traumatic cause our appearance.  I’ve been thinking about the road I’ve been on the past 4 years with him, it’s been a long bumpy road.

Tonight for the first time in a long time, I kneel’d down to pray. I found myself crying. Not because I was necessarily sad, or even angry.  I cried from the overwhelming gratefulness I felt to be able to say, I made it. I could feel the biggest impact of three words… “I made it.” I had survived so many different obstacles that the world threw in our path. I’m not sure why I just had felt the overwhelming emotion of that saying, but I could say I successfully maintained my marriage, jobs, my fur baby and still am alive.

I know many people who haven’t made it to today, I know that the big picture I want is so clear today. For the first time it has made everything else seem so small. I constantly get so lost into one small problem that turns into a huge river of emotions that pushes me back 30 steps. For each day my depression won or my anxiety stopped me from being able to do something and I failed to realize that I was much stronger than both of them. He always had my back for me to fall and cry, or to be silent because I was disappointed in myself because I always wanted to be able to do more than I felt capable of. He kept me afloat, He kept me well, He kept me present. Even when I’d fall back onto the past. He’d bring me to today, which being married to somebody who has “days” is such a job in itself let alone a regular marriage. For that, I am so grateful.

To he who feels all my emotions, I love you more than anything. Thanks for always being my help and light through every dark tunnel and pursuing every single dream I have everyday. Even if I can’t say it out loud sometimes, I am grateful and love you every single day more and more.

I aint worried about the wrinkles around my smile.

SCATTERED

 

I have been at a halt lately, trying to figure out somehow to write something worth reading. I keep having multiple things happen one after another. Wondering if that ever stops or if its just the story of life maybe? Emotions have ran rampage lately here in my mind. This halt has sucked truly, I absolutely love blogging and giving back as much as possible. I have been scared of the future while missing out on what’s happening around me. I have some scars and I’ve seen some things but I’m here now. Organizing your thoughts while moving constantly and trying to readjust into your own form of a comfort zone is more difficult than I ever imagined. This chapter is closing and will be wrote about at a much later date, maybe?

This basically is how scattered my mind is, separating real and impossible things in my head at the moment. Slowly but surely a work in progress. What’s amazing is so much progress has been made. I haven’t felt as good as I’ve been feeling right now in a long time. Many things are going on for sure but on top of that is always a silver lining. Enjoying these little moments and calming the waves down and learning to swim with the waves life has to offer.

xoxo, A Hint of KoKo…

Bubble Bars 101

I have been starting my soap business from home. Practicing what products I’ll be releasing has been hard. I have so many ideas, this will definitely take a minute but here is one I’ve been thinking of sharing with you guys.

Lavender Infused Bubble Bar

P.S- All my products are vegan and never tested on animals or any fur creatures of any kind.

These bubble bars, create a bubble bath infused with with rich oils and lavender. On top of that are created with such good products that are most products I use are even edible! Not that you’d wanna eat these! Create a colored relaxing bath with these. My friends who have tried these are obsessed and already asking me to make more. I’m happy with the results.

Nerium

So one of my bestfriends started selling a skin product called Nerium. I decided why not, I am all about

  • Vegan
  • No Animal Testing
  • GlutenFree

products! So I decided since it’s so hard to find good skin care to try it. I can say after waking up this morning with such a soft complexion and face. I gotta buy this stuff. The best part is I get to help a friend and it’s so amazing because I genuinely like the product. (Was nervous I wouldn’t). So yes, I am a happy camper. If you wanna try a amazing new skin care regimen that is so worth it. I’m so serious, I’ve been looking for something since it seems like forever. Leave a response! I can give you her information! I am becoming obsessed with this stuff!