depression

A Letter To You

Sitting here thinking about my life the past 5 years. I’ve met so many people, seen so many places and changed in so many ways.

My heart hurts saying goodbye to it all. I know it’s a “see you later” for friends who have become family, but I’ve never been good with change or goodbyes. I’ve never been easy to deal with or to love. I’m so thankful for the tribe I’ve made throughout the states we’ve moved to the past few years. Even though I’ve never thought I belonged, you made me feel like I did.

I wanted to go to my home. Some made up place or state in my head that was apparently somewhere I was happier or would be happy “finally”. I now know it will never be four walls. It’ll be four people or six people or eight people building me up and teaching me to love every piece of life and my body and everything the world has to offer.

I never loved Maine or New England but I love every single member of my tribe who kept me afloat when I was busy fighting myself.

Last but not least, thank you to my amazing husband who wings never falter, not even once. You keep and have kept me up when I didn’t know how to pick myself up time and time again even when sometimes I didn’t deserve it. Thanks for teaching me every inch of my body is perfect in its own way and that sometimes its okay to not be okay.

Next Chapter

I’ve been trying for weeks to come up with something better than the last and better than what’s flying around in my mind. I have had so much go on here lately. I drove to Charleston SC and found a home to buy with such a amazing realtor who happens to be one of my best friends. She has a Facebook page where she live videos and chats about her life and opening up about mental illness and how you can live your best life with it! Go check her out at her Facebook Holly_tastic page. I’ve loved seeing her actually open up! It’s a great watch! Love her to pieces! I can’t imagine this next chapter that is opening in my life going any other way with my little family as well!

Also I want to start doing a few more things with A Hint of Koko! Thinking of Vlogging once a month with you guys on my YouTube channel and also integrating my new olive oil vegan based soap line!

So many exciting things happening around here. Please let us know if you’re interested and also maybe throw some comments of scents you want me to incorporate into my new soap line! Much love guys!

XOXO

Rough Bumps

Decided to write a post about rough bumps in the road today.
After all, I do live in New England currently. (insert pothole here)

I’ve been trying to get better at processing my bad days and my good days. Lately its been a little difficult to do even that. Nobody genuinely talks about the shitty parts of depression and anxiety. Two huge things that have continued to ransack my days here lately. One positive thing is I am now able to realize which is which between just a bad day and me relapsing.

Seasonal depression has been a factor of my life for quite a while. I know once I post this, I will have the comments of, “Well you don’t look sad.”
Things like this do not help, nor are they anywhere near helpful. It only makes me more upset and anxious about explaining how I feel.

With all of that said, I have had very good times as well lately. Ollie is finally healing, he had a surgery done and wasn’t healing properly and had to have a second surgery. Which means my house has been super chaotic. This all leading to rough bumps in the road. I have my days as anybody with anxiety will know happens and I can’t begin to explain how difficult it is to deal with somebody like me. Marlon has been making this look like a cake walk. I only wish to have half the perseverance he has. Anybody with a spouse who has a mental disorder will understand this post. This past weekend we did a lot to help our move in 5 months be a little easier and it stirred up a lot of anxiety. I couldn’t sleep last night and instead of laying in bed he stayed up with me just knowing the fact that I just wasn’t feeling that great. For all these bumps in the road you sometimes forget the good things, or even the great things that are to come. I decided to write this post to show maybe somebody else that everybody has bumps in the road. Its up to you to decide whether they’re just bumps. I hope this reaches the people it was meant to, and as always.

xoxo

 

he who feels all my emotions

I normally don’t do entries like this one, but this week I came home from a vacation from Florida with my husband and I am more emotional than usual. It had been about two or three years since Marlon and I had been to Florida and not had something traumatic cause our appearance.  I’ve been thinking about the road I’ve been on the past 4 years with him, it’s been a long bumpy road.

Tonight for the first time in a long time, I kneel’d down to pray. I found myself crying. Not because I was necessarily sad, or even angry.  I cried from the overwhelming gratefulness I felt to be able to say, I made it. I could feel the biggest impact of three words… “I made it.” I had survived so many different obstacles that the world threw in our path. I’m not sure why I just had felt the overwhelming emotion of that saying, but I could say I successfully maintained my marriage, jobs, my fur baby and still am alive.

I know many people who haven’t made it to today, I know that the big picture I want is so clear today. For the first time it has made everything else seem so small. I constantly get so lost into one small problem that turns into a huge river of emotions that pushes me back 30 steps. For each day my depression won or my anxiety stopped me from being able to do something and I failed to realize that I was much stronger than both of them. He always had my back for me to fall and cry, or to be silent because I was disappointed in myself because I always wanted to be able to do more than I felt capable of. He kept me afloat, He kept me well, He kept me present. Even when I’d fall back onto the past. He’d bring me to today, which being married to somebody who has “days” is such a job in itself let alone a regular marriage. For that, I am so grateful.

To he who feels all my emotions, I love you more than anything. Thanks for always being my help and light through every dark tunnel and pursuing every single dream I have everyday. Even if I can’t say it out loud sometimes, I am grateful and love you every single day more and more.

Learn to let go.

Today, I’ve been thinking and looking back at the past week. I was able to see my cousins who I missed so much! So happy to spend time with them when I get to. Finally got a starting date on my new job with Allstate! Which I’ll be working from home which is a whole new ball game for me and I couldn’t be more excited. I move in less than 34 days. I’ve been cleaning and cleaning and packing and more packing. I honestly never knew how many things I actually had! Back to my title, learn to let go.

Looking back at the past few months while starting my blog, I have been posting weekly. Sometimes daily, I’ve been trying so hard to keep new content up for you guys. My life has been chaotic and finally getting a second to breathe and put out a entry feels amazing. The past 3 months, I have had to LEARN to let go so many different things and obstacles that were out of my hands. Whether it was a toxic situation or things and certain situations that don’t make ME happy. Trying to stay away from high anxiety situations which for anybody who has anxiety knows that’s basically impossible. I’ve now been trying to many different things and options and care more about ME. I always do whatever I can to make the other person happy in whatever situation I am in, and I now have started remembering that I am important, and I deserve not to be put down or put in a situation I don’t wanna be in. Finally learning to just leave and let go of anything that I have to think more than 3 seconds on whether its good or bad for me. One of my friends tells me constantly that I need to not think twice about a bad situation and question whether it makes me happy or not. I am blessed for the good people and situations I’ve been put in to get me where I am today. I am blessed. Letting go of bad situations and negative thoughts and people who only put me down. xoxo